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All posts for the month November, 2011

crashing down in a blaze of hell

Published November 12, 2011 by chchunka

13 years of marriage. military marriage, so in true, “normal” years that would be 4 years total togetherness. he is on land for now, and I don’t think he “likes” the woman I am and the fact that he is married with children seems to really bum him out.

I have been alone for so long all I wanted was for my husband to come home. I was so tired of sleeping alone. Tired of the self-pity I felt keeping my family running and doing everything with no help. It was my job, my life. and now I still got to bed alone, usually cry my self to sleep and wonder where did it go wrong. what do we need to do to fix this quickly crashing marriage.  Within the last 12 months we went through a shortsale, he got a promotion, and moved. so I get there have been some dramatic changes. I am not a self-pity person. I would get a day or two out of a six month span, but all in all I just roll with the emotional punches. lately…. I have been crushed in spirit and have no ego…. what the fuck ?

That is why I had to start this blog, I have no one to vent with. I don’t want advise, I am not suicidal, I just need to get all this mixed up crap out. I want no one that knows me read or know any of this. I am unhappy, who isn’t? I just am sick of it all. I carry the burden of 4 people, their lives and the success of our children’s future. you go and pay bills.

I think he dislikes having a wife that loves him. he wants me to be a different person, I cant be a mind reader, nor am I willing to become something I am not. after 13 years you would think I was good enough.

I guess I am not though…. I get up early in the morning so I can cry and go to bed with tear filled eyes… how pathetic have I become….

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Forever Learning

Published November 4, 2011 by chchunka

So, I have been out of the education scene for 5 years now. Trying to reconnect with the University, get accepted and try to do my best so that I can have a job I like. Right, a job I enjoy, that would be plan data entry. A job I can live on, a job that takes nothing from my essence. I am stingy with my creativity. I want it for my life, not some jack-off company. I want to put in my time and get money. I guess we are all prostitutes when it comes down to the knitty gritty.Thrive to live. Live to thrive.

Funny how I was the understanding the older we get the more self assured we are. Well that must be nice for those that end up that way. It isn’t happening here, well at least not lately. I have never done the “blog thing” before. I am quite a knuckle dragger over technology. Just about everyone around me lives and breathes it, even my kids are well advanced in the area. I only started  so  I can throw thoughts out there for the cyber nothingness. I write things I do not say out loud. I tend to give this “nothing bothers me” Ora.  which is a total farce. I really dislike most interaction with people, but I am good at acting that I might actually be enjoying myself.  I am slowly suffocating my being. this blog will ,hopefully, help me start to breathe again. I use to be so free and spontaneous. I feel way older than I am. I have been trying to overcome this “downy dumps” feeling, because in the long run, it truly pisses me off I am turning into a grumpy lady, who isn’t old, with no self esteem. because deep down, I know I am pretty fantastic…somewhere curled up in the heavy blanket of reality.