crashing down in a blaze of hell

Published November 12, 2011 by chchunka

13 years of marriage. military marriage, so in true, “normal” years that would be 4 years total togetherness. he is on land for now, and I don’t think he “likes” the woman I am and the fact that he is married with children seems to really bum him out.

I have been alone for so long all I wanted was for my husband to come home. I was so tired of sleeping alone. Tired of the self-pity I felt keeping my family running and doing everything with no help. It was my job, my life. and now I still got to bed alone, usually cry my self to sleep and wonder where did it go wrong. what do we need to do to fix this quickly crashing marriage.  Within the last 12 months we went through a shortsale, he got a promotion, and moved. so I get there have been some dramatic changes. I am not a self-pity person. I would get a day or two out of a six month span, but all in all I just roll with the emotional punches. lately…. I have been crushed in spirit and have no ego…. what the fuck ?

That is why I had to start this blog, I have no one to vent with. I don’t want advise, I am not suicidal, I just need to get all this mixed up crap out. I want no one that knows me read or know any of this. I am unhappy, who isn’t? I just am sick of it all. I carry the burden of 4 people, their lives and the success of our children’s future. you go and pay bills.

I think he dislikes having a wife that loves him. he wants me to be a different person, I cant be a mind reader, nor am I willing to become something I am not. after 13 years you would think I was good enough.

I guess I am not though…. I get up early in the morning so I can cry and go to bed with tear filled eyes… how pathetic have I become….

Forever Learning

Published November 4, 2011 by chchunka

So, I have been out of the education scene for 5 years now. Trying to reconnect with the University, get accepted and try to do my best so that I can have a job I like. Right, a job I enjoy, that would be plan data entry. A job I can live on, a job that takes nothing from my essence. I am stingy with my creativity. I want it for my life, not some jack-off company. I want to put in my time and get money. I guess we are all prostitutes when it comes down to the knitty gritty.Thrive to live. Live to thrive.

Funny how I was the understanding the older we get the more self assured we are. Well that must be nice for those that end up that way. It isn’t happening here, well at least not lately. I have never done the “blog thing” before. I am quite a knuckle dragger over technology. Just about everyone around me lives and breathes it, even my kids are well advanced in the area. I only started  so  I can throw thoughts out there for the cyber nothingness. I write things I do not say out loud. I tend to give this “nothing bothers me” Ora.  which is a total farce. I really dislike most interaction with people, but I am good at acting that I might actually be enjoying myself.  I am slowly suffocating my being. this blog will ,hopefully, help me start to breathe again. I use to be so free and spontaneous. I feel way older than I am. I have been trying to overcome this “downy dumps” feeling, because in the long run, it truly pisses me off I am turning into a grumpy lady, who isn’t old, with no self esteem. because deep down, I know I am pretty fantastic…somewhere curled up in the heavy blanket of reality.

Reconstruction and reflections

Published October 26, 2011 by chchunka

Being  military wife I have come accustomed to doing it all, you know super mom/wife. My husband has been on a boat for the last 6 years. I find myself faced with new issues. Naturally I am use to all the control, not that I am a control freak but damn it was just me and the kids for 6 years with “visits” from the man I married and love.  So now I must be considerate and remind myself that he CANNOT read my mind.  Yet, when I do tell him exactly what I need from him or ask him to begin to help, I am the asshole?! It was sucky being apart don’t get me wrong but I got use to doing it all with no one to tell me, “hey good job” . I don’t get promotions or more pay. I get vomit and straight A kids. so with him being home every night, my feeling of self worth is lowered. I would like help with the kids. I have the house and cars taken care of but some “Daddy time” without mommy is over due and needed.I can handle the big stuff. I just cant be their Dad.

I get adjusting to the family has to be hard on him. I understand military life has its ups and downs. But this isn’t  The Sound Of Music, you don’t get to yell at everyone like they are your non-rate. I have been in command of this this land based house hold for over 13 years. I am all about sharing the tasks at hand but I’ll be damned if he thinks things will run “HIS” way with out a voice in the matter. Teamwork is why I got married and stay there. But I seems to go on to often that I am not getting the help I need and my self worth shouldn’t be under fire. if anything it should be built up. I shouldn’t have to worry I will be traded in.

Chambers unknown

Published October 19, 2011 by chchunka

As I stumble upon new fears and worries in my current life, I find I need to vent into the open. I need to share whatever fears I am concurring and the solutions I have come up with. My life story is not unique. My everyday American life may differ form some but I know I have a great amount of people who deal with whatever I deal with. I will not talk about the same thing, I am sure to bounce from subject to subject. The first subject I will talk about is my Short sale* and Military life. how I coup, or not. so many times I search the net for help on the subjects and turned up with very little.

*short sale- an act or instance of selling short. in my case a house. a step one can do before foreclosure.